Kissing Phoenix Read online

  Realization knocked her back against the window. Aidan was one of them. And always would be. A forever youthful Vampire. In his world, humans were the monsters, hunting them down.

  “You should’ve told me before we got here.” Given her some warning. Given her a chance to refuse and run away.

  He walked over to her. “Would you have come?”

  “What difference would it have made?” What difference did any of this make? She wished Aidan had never shared his secret and never let her glimpse another world. He’d offered a taste and then left her to starve. “Madness and death is not much of a cure.”

  “It’s a chance. Your only chance.”

  “Dr. Godwen said what you want is illegal.”

  “He’s right.” His hands rubbed down her arms.

  Lilith pushed him away and ran her fingers through her hair.

  “Why, Aidan? Why raise my hopes?” She forced back the tears. He didn’t get to see her cry. Not now. Not ever. They’d go home and she would pack up and head south to spend her days on a golden beach in France, leaving Aidan to his unnatural life. He could find another human to seduce with tales of Vampires.

  “I love you, Lil.”

  The words that should have warmed her cut like knives. “But only if I join your secret society of nightmares.”

  Aidan laughed, but it was dark and half strangled. The Aidan she knew was gone, replaced by a man who couldn’t live in his own skin. “Hardly, love. Weres and Vampires don’t make good bedfellows.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “If there was another way, I would be showing you. This is the best I can offer. If you want to live, this is all I have to give you.” Aidan grasped her hands. “I don’t want you to change, but I want you to live. I want to get the chance to ask you to marry me.”

  She stopped fighting his hold. “You want to marry me?”

  “I’ve thought about it.”

  So had she, but she wasn’t about to agree to a pity marriage. She’d rather die single. “It doesn’t matter anyway. Dr. Godwen said he won’t help.”

  “Right now Theo will be checking his research samples for a matching blood type. You are his ultimate guinea pig.”

  “Guinea wolf,” she corrected.

  Aidan didn’t smile, his face more suited to a funeral. “He wants to know if Lycanthria will halt cancer in humans.”

  Halt cancer. Not cure it—possibly. She would be the clinical trial. He’d dragged her down here on a hope more delicate than fairy wings.

  “It may not work?” Lilith shook her head. This was insane. “Become a beast in the hope of a non-cure. That’s a big ask, Aidan.”

  “It’s not like the movies. You’re in one form or the other. You like animals.”

  “That doesn’t mean I want to be one.” Exasperation colored her words. Everything she knew was human. Aidan’s world operated concurrently, but never crossed her world. Her world and her humanity was the price of Aidan’s maybe-cure.

  “That’s your decision.” His fingers slid through her hair as if he were trying to hold on to her, but losing his grip. “I wanted to give you an alternative to certain death.”

  For me or for you? She leaned against him. Join him or die. Some choice. Yet the thought of cheating death and living regardless of the cost was already sounding appealing.

  “Is Lycanthria a virus?” Her words were muffled against his chest.

  “Yes, it’s a mitochondrial virus. Different strains cause the different Weres.”

  Mitochondria were the cells’ energy producers. A virus of the mitochondria would have an effect on the cells ability to function.

  “How does it work?”

  “The virus ramps up the energy and causes the shift in form. It’s passed from mother to child. Occasionally humans get infected.”

  “Our children would be Weres?”

  “There would be no children. Vampires and Weres can’t breed.”

  “No children?” While she wasn’t ready to be a mother, having that choice taken away was another blow that ricocheted around her delicate heart. Her mind tried to grapple with the flood of information and latched onto the bits she understood. She was a vet. She knew medicine. “If Lycanthria is a virus, there’s a cure.” Lilith slipped her arms around his waist, using him as an anchor.

  “There might be, but that research is banned. Weres don’t want to be cured. Plus you would need a cure for cancer first.”

  But it could be temporary. A treatment until something better came along. The madness receded as the idea took hold and began to look like a rational option. A lifeline until a real cure came along and she was sure it would. Too many people got cancer for the scientists not to be researching a solution. It was just a matter of time. Becoming a Were would give her that time.

  She lifted her head to look up at him. “But in the future…”

  Aidan pressed his lips together and the rest of the sentence dissolved on her tongue.

  “We’re not second class citizens wishing to be human. I can’t promise a change in policy. I’ve already broken half a dozen rules bringing you here. One word from Theo and Fendrake will be breathing down my neck, asking for a pint of blood. I don’t mind, they could bleed me dry every day for you, but you need to decide. I will fully support your choice, whatever it is.”

  “Fendrake?” The name seemed familiar, but she couldn’t place it, the thought just out of reach. The harder she tried to find the memory, the further it faded. Fendrake was hiding a potential halt, if not cure, to cancer.

  “They broker peace between the different species and keep us all in line. Keep us out from under the human microscope.”

  “If Lycanthria is successful in halting my cancer, will there be a human trial?”

  “No.” He kissed her lips. “Humans aren’t ready to share the world with us.”

  Aidan was right. She couldn’t defend her own species and their awful track record with minorities. Was she any better, using something of theirs to save her life and breaking their laws in the process?

  “What would you do?”

  Aidan took several breaths before answering. “As your doctor, I would recommend the experimental treatment.” His composure faltered. The ice that had surrounded him since their arrival melted. “As your boyfriend, I want a third option.”

  Like that. She knew those options. She had given animal owners options that were bad either way and then expected them to choose. Now she had to decide, risk it or die.

  “I’ve got three months to think about it.” Decision avoided, she kissed him, more for reassurance than out of forgiveness. She would need those three months to think about it and to learn more about what being a Were meant, because already the idea was sounding tempting. More tempting than it should.

  His lips parted. She was careful, but his teeth were normal human teeth. He ended the kiss. His eyes focused on something out the window.

  “You don’t. The weaker you become, the less successful the change.” He dragged his attention back to her. “The risk of death during transformation increases.”

  There it was. The other giant shoe hitting the floor after kicking her in the ass. Death. The non-cure could kill her before the cancer.

  “Increases? How many die?”

  He closed his eyes as if he didn’t want to tell her. “From accidental transformation, fifty percent.”

  She took the hit in the chest, fighting for breath. Dodge the black cab only to be hit by a red double-decker. Half died when infected. She almost missed the rest of what he was saying.

  “Your risk would be less. Same blood type, hot, fast change. That would bring it down to one in five.”

  A twenty percent chance of dying. Dying sooner than she had to since she had to make the change before she became really ill. She forced out a breath and tried to see the numbers as a doctor and not a patient. A twenty percent chance of dying was an eighty percent chance of living, which was a whole lot better than the five percent her
doctor had given if she went through a couple of rounds of radiation and surgery. Statistically, becoming a Were looked good.

  “So I get infected. Survive and become a Were and my cancer is halted.”

  “Essentially. The virus would become a part of you and you would have to shift to your animal form as the need arose.”

  “Like on the full moon?”

  “That’s a human myth. But Weres do like to get together and hunt. Before calendars, the full moon was an easy meeting day.”

  She didn’t want to be hunting anything. She liked her meat well-done, not furry. But none of that would be an issue if she didn’t survive the initial infection. She looked Aidan in the eye. “Have you ever treated infected people?”

  He weighed the answer. “Yes.”

  So he knew what to expect and what would happen to her. Given the tension around his eyes and the set of his jaw, it wasn’t good. While Lycanthria was a virus, catching it wouldn’t be like catching the common cold. It would attack her body and change it forever.

  She had to ask anyway. “How bad is the transformation?”

  He sighed like it was his last breath. “In truth, if you knew, you wouldn’t want to go through it.”

  It couldn’t be worse than her treatment the first time round. It couldn’t be worse than the doctor telling her the tumor had grown back, bigger, faster, stronger. It couldn’t be worse than the drawn-out death she was expecting. If she did this, she would become one of them. She would become part of Aidan’s world.

  She touched his cheek. “Then don’t tell me.”

  Chapter Four

  Aidan fingered the vial of blood. The red syrup didn’t look as if it had the power to change lives beyond all recognition. He wanted to crush the fine glass and let the blood spill. But he couldn’t. He couldn’t come in contact with the blood. If it entered his system, he would be driven mad with blood lust as his body fought the infection. If he was lucky, someone would kill him quick.

  While Vampire bodies had the etheric wrapped tight like a second skin, Weres, much like humans, wore it loose. It was how they shifted between forms, like fluid taking the shape of the container it was held in. A Vampire infected with Lycanthria would have their etheric body torn away. The damage would trigger the need to feed and take in liters of blood to heal. Except the Vampire wouldn’t be able to heal no matter how much blood they drank. Between the pain and hunger, they went mad and killed everything that crossed their path. Reading about the known cases had been horrific and he had no intention of becoming a victim. As long he didn’t bite Lil, everything would be fine. The prickly uncertainty of what they were doing remained tied around his heart.

  Lil had ignored Theo’s, and his, recommendation to become a Were-snake. Of the four suitable blood types Theo had available, it was the choice that required the least effort. Snake shifters stayed home in front of a nice log fire. They didn’t require a special habitat.

  Wolves and bears both needed forest. Wolves needed a pack. For a human becoming a wolf was hard, they would always be bottom of the pack—assuming they found a pack to accept them. Lil had dismissed both of them. She’d opted for seal. So they’d concocted a story about being bitten at the beach while trying to help a wounded animal. It was barely believable.

  He filled the syringe, his hands remembering the actions of another life as if only moments had passed instead of decades, and placed it on the table next to the bed. They had decided her vet surgery was the best place. Plenty of medical equipment ready to go and drugs, and if she died, Aidan wouldn’t be held responsible. She was writing the suicide note now, just in case it all went bad. She was already sick… he pushed away the thought and swallowed the rock lodged in his throat. Lil would live.

  Theo had examined her and pronounced her fit, but they’d better do the transformation as soon as possible. So here they were, a Vampire, a human, two dogs and a cat sleeping off a spaying and a vial of Lycanthria infected blood. Everybody’s idea of a good night out. While Theo had assisted, he wasn’t doing it for free. Lil had had to agree to regular checkups to make sure the cancer had indeed been halted. What Theo would do with the research was anyone’s guess; maybe it was just to satisfy his own curiosity. It wouldn’t be the first time his research had walked a very fine ethical line.

  Like any doctor, Theo had done everything he could to make sure his star patient would survive. He’d given Aidan the name of a Fendrake shrink who would be able to help her afterward and one for him because he was obviously temporarily insane for thinking this was a good idea as well as a reminder of the optimum conditions for transformations. Transformations might be illegal, but if a human got bitten, they needed help fast.

  His sleep had been haunted by the screams of the other transformations he’d attended. True, they were more than a century ago and much more was understood now, but of three he’d attended, only one had survived and he’d killed himself after the first shift. Those memories had made for bitter music the first time round. He’d shared none of the compositions Lil had inspired with his friends; he doubted Lucinda’s Lover wanted anything so painful on their first album.

  He checked the temperature in the room, forty degrees Celsius. Another five degrees and it would be right. He stood watching the thermometer creep up. It was easier thinking of the requirements than facing Lil. Whatever happened tonight, he was going to lose her.

  The past week had been a haze of sheets and blood and sweat. She was so responsive to his touch and teeth…and he hadn’t told her yet that it would have to stop. If he did, would she refuse treatment?

  Together they’d researched seals and nearby colonies. She would need water, and while a bathtub might suffice at first, she would want open water as she gained strength. In the ocean he couldn’t protect her. There were predators that wouldn’t care if she were human or Were-seal or seal. She was meat.

  Forty-three degrees.

  She was his girlfriend.

  His hand slid to his jacket pocket and pulled out the black ring box.

  She was the woman he wanted to marry.

  He flicked open the box and stared at the ring he’d bought two weeks ago, wishing he’d had the balls to tell her the truth before she’d told him she was sick and everything had gotten screwed up.

  And now?

  Now it didn’t matter. Everything would change, yet nothing would change. He snapped the lid closed. He would marry her regardless—if she said yes.

  “Everything ready?”

  Aidan jumped at the sound of her voice as she came through the door. He checked the temperature. One more degree.

  “Almost. You?” He put his hand behind his back in an effort to conceal the ring box.

  “The letter’s done.” She scuffed her shoe on the floor. “No one will ask questions about a dying vet OD’ing on animal tranqs.”

  “You’re not going to die.” He made himself smile. “Shut the door before you let the heat out.”

  She did, closing it softly. “Are you sure Theo didn’t make a mistake with the Were type?”

  “He doesn’t make mistakes.”

  “What would he call this then?”

  “A calculated risk to further his research.” With him and Lil taking all the risks. Aidan suspected if they hadn’t gone to Theo, he would’ve eventually found someone else to study.

  “What would you call it?” She leaned against the door, her gaze flicking between the blood, the bed and Aidan.

  Aidan took a moment to find the right word. He didn’t want to lose Lil. “Desperation.”

  Lilith nodded. She knew Aidan didn’t like it, and truthfully, she didn’t either. It looked like a good deal, but if an offer sounded too good to be true, it usually was. But she was out of options and no matter what he said about Fendrake rules, there was a chance someone would eventually find a cure for Wereism and cancer. All she had to do was survive.

  Easy.

  Aidan held out his hand. She closed her fingers mechanically over his a
nd let him draw her to the camp bed set up for the occasion. She sat. The room was stifling hot, the air was too thick to breathe and delicately scented with disinfectant and dog.

  Then he knelt. And despite the heat she shivered.

  He opened his hand and in his palm was a black ring box. He opened it slowly. On a bed of black lay a not-so-small, pale pink diamond ring. Her lips parted in amazement.

  “I bought this two weeks ago. I didn’t ask you because I didn’t know how to tell you what I was. Then…then you got sick and now…now I know it’s not the best time. But will you marry me, Lil?”

  The heat left the room in a rush. He was proposing. Now. Of course she was going to say yes. Her mouth was dry. Worse than any chemo session and she couldn’t speak. Instead she nodded and offered him her hand. It trembled as he slid the ring on. Perfect fit.

  “It’s beautiful.” She found her voice, but it was quiet as if speaking too loud could break the moment.

  He smiled and looked more relaxed than he had all week. “I’m glad you like it.”

  Then he sealed the engagement with a kiss. His hand tangled in her hair and his incisors lengthened against her lip. The fever rose in her body, but he was so careful. Tonight she needed to feel him, all of him; she needed to feel her humanity racing through her blood before she became something else. Would she still love him when she was no longer human?

  Tears filled her eyes.

  His thumbs brushed her cheeks. “You will always be my Lil, no matter what happens.” He placed a chaste kiss on her lips.

  His Lil. She could hold onto that. Only her body was changing, not her mind. She’d read one of Aidan’s old books on Weres and the various types. Her research made it all seem easy when it wasn’t. Knowing the process wasn’t the same as living it or consciously making the choice to change instead of being born with it. Because she was human and they didn’t want anyone knowing what they were doing, she’d been unable to talk to a Were. That would have to wait until afterward.

  She wasn’t ready for this. She wanted a few more minutes with Aidan before everything changed. Before she changed. Her tongue flicked over his lip, seeking him out, wanting more than a pale kiss shadowed with worry. She wanted one more taste of life, just in case it all went wrong.